It can feel like an uphill battle to limit screen time for your child when you and your spouse are not on the same page. You may feel like the digital detox you did with the kids was all for nothing when you see your husband turn on the TV or Xbox yet again. Or maybe you feel like your desire to gift your child a low-tech childhood will amount to nothing because your spouse is not on board, but this is not true.
Every effort you make on your child’s behalf matters.
Any amount of time that you can engage with your children without screens will benefit your family. In this post, I will share some tips for how you can work with a spouse who sees screen time limits differently than you do.
What to do when parents don’t agree on screen time?
Since I am a wife and mother, I am going to speak specifically to women in this blog. You know just as well as I do that we wives cannot actually change our husband’s hearts, mindsets, or behaviors through nagging.
Humans are simply not reasoned and nagged into lasting change.
What you can do is…
- Keep your kids screen free during the hours that you have them alone.
- Present your husband with the facts about screen time and child development in a kind and nonjudgmental way.
- Inspire your spouse by setting the example of joyfully connecting with your kids without screens
- Make your kids easier to handle off of screens by training them to play independently, enjoy the outdoors, and love reading books.
- Give your spouse easy ideas for how to connect with the kids without screens if he asks or is open to hearing them.
Husband Gives Kids Too Much Screen Time
There are typically two types of husbands who struggle to limit screen time for their kids.
Spouse Number One is the husband who agrees with you that excessive screen time isn’t ideal for kids, but he relies on it anyway to get a dad break.
Spouse Number Two is the husband who is a heavy tech user himself and he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.
Below we’ll discuss ways to limit screen time for your kids no matter which type of spouse you have.
Dad Who Struggles to Connect With His Children
Spouse Number One: Connecting with the kids doesn’t come naturally to him. He is willing to help out, but he needs you as the mom to make it easy for him. This spouse respects the data on the dangers of too much screen time from an intellectual perspective, but during the day to day, he relies on technology as an electronic babysitter to get a break from the kids.
Wasn’t this all of us at one point?
It’s no secret that screen time affects our children adversely but still, most parents use it to meet their natural need for a parental break anyway.
Devices buy us a little peace and quiet and that is super desirable after a long, hard day.
For this spouse, let your actions speak louder than your words. Make a low-tech life desirable through your example.
If you enjoy cooking, involve your kids in the kitchen and try some new recipes. If you are an artist, create cool things alongside your children near your spouse at the dining room table. Give him the freedom to do his own thing while you guys paint, knit, sew, mold with clay, or make jewelry nearby.
If you are sporty, kick the ball around in the back yard with your little ones. If you enjoy the outdoors, take frequent walks with your kids. Whatever it is that you already like to do, show your spouse that your kids can be a part of it. They don’t have to zone out on screens while you do your hobbies. Enjoy your life with your children. It may eventually become contagious to your spouse.
How My Husband Influenced Me To Engage The Kids Outdoors
I remember one day when I was sitting on a lawn chair writing in a journal. I had a stack of books to read beneath my chair and I was thoroughly enjoying the quiet moment while they kids ran around and played. But my husband picked up a basketball and started shooting hoops with our children and it caught my attention.
Neither my husband nor I are sporty by any stretch of the imagination. He’s a tech guy and a musician. I am an artist and a writer. We like things like books, guitars, and quiet time to think. Not physical exercise. Not the hustle and bustle of team sports or weekend commitments to little league.
But on this particular day, my husband got out there and gave it his best shot. He dribbled and passed the ball to the kids. He worked up a sweat, lifted our preschooler to the hoop so she could make one, and playfully heckled the big kids as he attempted to block their shots.
Our kids ate up every second of it.
Suddenly my moment of solitude with my notebook and pencil didn’t feel half as appealing as running around the driveway with my family (regardless of my lack of athletic prowess).
I decided to join my family. My children’s faces absolutely lit up and my husband’s did too. I probably never would have chosen to play basketball with my family of my own accord, but because my husband made it attractive, I now shoot hoops with the kids on a regular basis. Even when my husband isn’t around.
The fun he was having with our children was contagious. I wanted in.
Set the example
Do yourself and your spouse a favor and enjoy your children without screens. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional movie night. These can be great bonding experiences when they are special family events rather than everyday occurrences.
If you’d like to see your husband connect with your kids more offline, be patient and set the example. Ditch the weighty expectations you might have built up in your mind for what he “should” be doing with the kids.
Don’t play the mom martyr who has been entertaining the kids without screens all day long. Skip the resentment when you see your husband scrolling instead of playing board games with the children.
Really dig your heels into the good work of motherhood and make a low-tech lifestyle attractive to your spouse.
Just like my husband got me out onto the basketball court simply with by his actions, I have done the same for him in other areas of parenting. Over the years, I have influenced him to read books to our kids by my example.
As a writer, an English major, and a book nerd, getting lots of good stories into my kids ears and hearts was important to me from the time I became a mom. So I did the hard work of limiting screen time and building up our kids’ attention spans over the course of years.
I have read aloud to our kids through all the ages and stages.
- The baby years while they babbled and made sticky messes with mushy food all over the board books.
- The toddler years while they constantly interrupted and had frequent meltdowns over things like not being able to get a marker cap on properly while I read.
- The preschool years while the kids buzzed with questions and chattered all at once during our read aloud sessions.
After years of patience, perseverance, and reading aloud, my husband can now reap the benefits of my labor. He can swoop in and read the kids a book with ease whenever he feels like it because our kids know how to listen for an extended period of time.
Reading to our current group of kids is an absolute joy.
Reading wasn’t my husband’s thing when we first got married, but now that he’s seen the benefits of reducing screen time and reading to young kids, he reads to them on his own. The years I spent training them to listen and lengthening their attention spans through daily reading have paid off in more ways than one.
If something means a lot to you as a mom, make it easy for your husband.
How To Make a Low-Tech Life Easy for Your Spouse
If your spouse is clutching onto screen time for dear life in order to get a break from the kids…
- Take on the brunt of the hard work yourself. Put your own phone away. Engage your spouse and kids with a cheerful heart and a positive attitude about the time you get to spend together even if it doesn’t look perfect.
- Limit screen time for your kids, endure the initial meltdowns, and build up your kid’s capacity to play independently over time.
- Help your kids become easier to be around by teaching them to entertain themselves without screens.
- Set up activities for them at your dining room table where your husband is nearby to observe. Give them a sensory bin full of kinetic sand or a coloring book and some markers. Play a good children’s audiobook in the background for them to listen to. Audiobooks are not overstimulating the way that video games and fast paced TV shows are. Stories stir imagination rather than squash it.
- Show your husband that your kids are fully capable of amusing themselves without screens.
- Take your kids outside for several hours a day and read them lots of great books.
- Give them the time and space to detox from screens and provide lots of screen time alternatives like backyard sports and required reading time.
- Organize a toy rotation for your children to keep the toys you have interesting.
- Set up outdoor playdates for your children to encourage play and the development of healthy social skills.
- Invite other families over for dinner to break up the monotony of screen free evenings for your spouse. Welcome other people in for food, games, and conversation.
Over the course of time, a low-tech lifestyle will become more attractive to your spouse.
Be patient and give your husband lots of grace along the way.
Grab the Screen Free Family Bingo Challenge:
Dad who doesn’t agree that screen time is a problem
Spouse Number Two: This husband is a heavy tech user himself. He has made up his mind that screen time is harmless and you are overreacting.
Ask your spouse if he would be willing to make any compromises such as…
- Screen free Sundays
- Screen free dinners
- No screens an hour before bedtime
Evidence might help this spouse to recognize the negative effects screen time in kids. Consider gently sharing factual tidbits you have learned about what too much screen time does to children.
One particularly helpful book to draw from is Reset Your Child’s Brain. Purchase your spouse the Audible version of this book and ask him to listen with you. Or read it yourself, highlight, and share your findings with your spouse in bits and pieces without overwhelming him all at once.
You can also find posts on this blog about the effects of screen time on kids and screen time alternative ideas. Forward them to your spouse or simply share things that stick out to you.
More important than studies and medical evidence of the negative impact screen time has on the brains of developing children is the personal evidence you observe in your own child.
Do you have a preschooler or young child who…
- seems addicted to their iPad
- complains of boredom every time you shut off a device
- begs for television shows all day long
- gets amped up after fast paced cartoons and “educational” app games
- has trouble sleeping after screen time
- struggles to sit still and pay attention to even a very short picture book
Do you have a middle schooler who has angry outbursts while playing violent video games?
Do you have a teen who is perpetually scrolling on their smart phone?
Does your teen become angry or irritable when they are on their device and you dare to ask them a simple question?
Do they have severe mood swings that seem to coincide with their current status on social media and in friend groups online?
Keep a log of all the symptoms that you observe relating to your child and screen time.
Do this for a month and whether or not you can trace back any of your kid’s negative behavior patterns to their screen time. Once you have a log written out, share it with your spouse during a time when there is no tension and they are open to a conversation.
Ask if they have noticed the same behavioral patterns in your kids and if they would be willing to support a digital detox or reduce screen time in your home. Be patient with your spouse even if they are not on board with eliminating screen time right away.
Remember that these patterns of excessive technology use built up in your family over time. Change will take time too.
Most likely, you used to be okay with more screen time too. It takes all of us time to learn and adjust to new ideas. If your spouse remains obstinate about allowing more screen time than you are comfortable with, my advice would be to love and respect your spouse and do the best you can with the time that your children are mainly with you.
For example, if you are a stay at home mom to lots of young children and your husband turns on a show for them in the evening when he gets home from work, consider allowing him to do so without a lecture. Keep the eight hours you have while he is at work screen free.
If you husband does not mind you sending the kids outside to play in the evenings, encourage free play.
Cut off screen time several hours before bed and take your kids on an evening walk around the neighborhood. Invite your spouse to join, but be gracious if he chooses not to.
You guys are ultimately on the same team.
Seasons and preferences in marriage will ebb and flow. Your husband may not see eye to eye with you on screen time right now, but he is still your spouse. Your children need to see love and respect between the two of you.
Don’t die on the hill of eliminating all screen time. Love your spouse and give him time to observe the positive changes in your children from the adjustments you make in their screen time on your own.
Find ways to limit your children’s screen time without requiring your spouse to do extra work if he is not ready to make a change yet.
How to limit screen time for my kids when my spouse doesn’t
Maybe your spouse plays a lot of video games, watches TV in the evenings, and uses his smartphone during pretty much all of his waking hours.
Unfortunately, this is very common. Screens have the power to suck in both kids and adults.
If you are a stay at home mom, choose to have a screen free home during the day before your spouse gets home from work.
Those screen free hours WILL add up for your kids!
Beautiful memories will be made.
Maybe you homeschool your children and give them lots of unplugged hours to play outside during the day, but when your spouse gets home, he resorts to streaming services and tablet time to connect with the kids or to get them to settle down.
Hear this…
It is better for your kids to have a dad who loves them and desires to spend time with them, even if it is on a screen, than it is for them to have a dad who allows them to be screen free but does not invest in relationship with them in any way.
Also, the unplugged hours that you give your kids during the day matter so much.
Do not discount the good work you are doing to reduce screen time and build relationships in your home.
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